


A Flower That Looks Like You

by StraySkz



Series: Dongpyo Centric [3]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, dongpyo has mean parents who are unsupportive, group meetings, hyeongjun has A+ parents, where they cry together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-12-15 22:17:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21025625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StraySkz/pseuds/StraySkz
Summary: Hyeongjun’s ignorance to the extent of his blessings made Dongpyo’s stomach twist and knot itself into a million different shapes, made his chest ache and burn with anger.Why couldn’t he see how lucky he was to have parents who loved him so much?Why couldn’t he see how lucky he is to have fans who send such sweet messages day in and day out?But most of all why couldn’t Dongpyo have that kind of love too?**********Discontinued*************





	1. A Little Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: this is just fanfiction, I don’t actually think there’s any problems between the two X1 babies and I obviously don’t know anything about what their families are like. Also I think that Dongpyo does have a sister but for story purposes he's an only child.
> 
> (Title from Onewe's song Regulus)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from Jealousy by Monsta X

Despite lying in his bed with the door closed, music playing through his headphones, trying to sleep, Dongpyo could still hear Hyeongjun’s loud voice in the hall on the phone with his mom, “Hi mom!”

“Hi baby, I miss you.”

“I miss you too!”

“Did you eat?”

“Of course I already ate, it’s so late, did you eat?”

Why did they have to be on speaker?

“I made kimchi stew, your dad made sure there was no left overs, per usual.”

Of course his mom had a beautiful bright laugh, just like Hyeongjun’s.

The dancer’s laugher echoed in the hallway, “Ohhh, you guys finished all of it even without my help? I miss when you would make it for me.”

“I’ll try to make it the next time you get to come home. I’ll make anything and everything you want me to. So you can keep growing.”

Dongpyo can’t remember the last time his mom offered to cook what he wanted for him.

“Really? Ahhh~ I miss your food so much.”

“And you should! I've cooked for you for the past 17 years!” Dongpyo swears that even through the shitty cellphone speaker and thin walls he can hear the smile on her face, “So how are you today baby?”

“I’m doing really good, I miss you guys a lot today but I got to spend almost all day dancing,” there’s a soft plop, Dongpyo knows its probably Hyeongjun sliding down the wall to sit while they talk.

“That makes me so happy baby. You’ve always loved to dance.”

Ugly, violent jealousy disguised as anger grows in Dongpyo’s chest and he can’t take listening to the phone call anymore. He pulls his headphones out and jumps off his bed, stomping to the door and cracking it open to snap, “Could you stop talking on speaker? Some of us are trying to sleep.”

Even as the words leave his lips, guilt for the way he says it is settling on his shoulders. Hyeongjun’s smile disappeared in a fraction of a second as soon as Dongpyo had said the word stop.

“Oh, sorry Dongpyo-ah,” Hyeongjun pressed the speaker button to turn it off before raising the phone to his ear.

All Dongpyo could do was glare and click the door closed again. He wishes he could open it again, apologize for the way he spoke; apologize for the glare he sent at the other who hadn’t earned the cold gaze. But he was his father’s son and apologies didn’t come to his lips as easily as they should.

It wasn’t fair.

He’d always know his family wasn’t picture perfect but it was okay, it didn’t matter to him. He was more than his upbringing; he was more than what they had said he would be. But hearing the other members talk to their parents hurt. The pain lingered in ways he’d thought had stopped when he left elementary school.

The worst part of it all was how often Hyeongjun spoke with his parents; it was almost constant, at least once a day. Sure the other members talked to their parents but not nearly as often as Hyeongjun did and it made it all the worse.

It made Dongpyo angry with jealousy. He hadn’t spoken to his parents since he started Produce X 101. He couldn’t remember the last time his parents had said comforting or encouraging things to him. When he thinks of their final words to him before the show had started they stand as the dramatic opposite of the words Hyeongjun’s parents repeat as if routine.

_“Don’t embarrass me.”_

_“I don’t know why you’re bothering to go on this show, you’re not going to make it into the final.” _

_“I'm sure you're going to be sent home the first episode and when you do, I don’t ever want to hear about any of this music bullshit again.”_

_“You should be going to school not some stupid show about dancing this is ridiculous.”_

_“Why couldn’t you do something even vaguely worthwhile?”_

Why? Why him? What had he done wrong? Why had they never tried to show him the type of love everyone else seemed to get? Why weren’t his parents calling him?

The night of the final episode had been like a dream… until he lay in bed waiting for the phone call that never came. He thought there was no way they wouldn’t call him. He did something good. He made it. He hadn’t embarrassed them. He was going to debut in a group guaranteed success. People liked him; they wanted to see him perform for the next 5 years.

It seemed like everyone he’d ever known had texted, or called, to tell him they were so happy. So proud of him. But how could he be happy when he’d never been congratulated by the only people he wanted to hear it from.

That night was the first time he’d heard Hyeongjun on the phone with his parents. The first time he’d felt so much jealousy and anger towards Hyeongjun. The first time the boy he should have seen as nothing more than a band mate truly became a rival he had to compete with every chance he got. Throughout the show he knew they competed but no more than he competed with Eunsang or Jinwoo or any of the other cute trainees. But now whenever he looked at the taller boy his only thoughts were of beating him, how and in what? he’s not really sure.

He needed to be funnier. Be cuter. Learn the choreography quicker. Be a better singer. Have more lines. Get more screen time. Collect more fansites. He needed to be more than he was.

If he was being honest, when Dongpyo first saw Hyeongjun he didn’t think much of him. He was cute and he was from a bigger company. But the Starship trainees audition was a mess, (not that the judges had helped them calm down) and he couldn’t even show them his solo dance.

Dongpyo had killed his audition song, done a solo dance and charmed them all the second he winked, earning himself a B ranking. And then Hyeongjun has gotten graded X. So Dongpyo dismissed him, he was leaving the show. He wasn’t a threat to his strategy; Dongpyo would be the small, cute, confident one of the season.

When he watched the Wanna One season he’d felt as though it was something he could do. He was likable and funny and cute and talented, there was no way people wouldn’t vote for him. He watched the older season over and over again taking note of who did what and how many votes they got. He wanted to make it, to be successful, to debut.

Debut. His whole felt like it had revolved around this and only this for the last 2 years of his life. It was all he could think about. Debut meant success. It meant his work was worth it… he was worth it.

If he debuted it would show his family that he wasn’t as bad as they thought, to get them to love him. Make them believe that what he wanted to do with his life wouldn’t be a disgrace. His parents hated everything he did. They saw music as a hobby, a waste of his time and their money. When he first started dancing he had lied about where he was going, saying the money he used for dance lessons was for an after school academy. They day his parents found out the truth was tattooed in his memory as one of worst days of his life, second now only to the day he waited for the phone call that never came.

He should have known that nothing would be good enough for them. Maybe his desperation for debut was meaningless the whole time when it ended the same way it began. Him, begging for approval or any amount of affection at all. His parents, denying him both and drowning him in silence. Their silence had been enough of an answer to the unspoken question: Do you care about me now?

Hyeongjun would never know how lucky he was, he would spend hours on the phone with his mom and she would spend the whole time praising him, telling him she loved him. Dongpyo had once overheard a call between Hyeongjun and his dad, and even he was supportive.

_“You really are so good son, your dance to that English song was really impressive.”_

_“You and your friend are so cute! You might be the cutest idol ever. And your accent is so cute on TV, I never noticed it until now.”_

The starship boy’s ignorance to the extent of his blessings made Dongpyo’s stomach twist and knot itself into a million different shapes, made his chest ache and burn with anger.

Hyeongjun’s response from fans had seemed to be the exact opposite of Dongpyo’s. Where Dongpyo had done so _so_ well, people turned their nose up to him, called him fake, claimed that he cheated. People loved Hyeongjun, despite his not so great audition and reevaluation he was showered with praise from everyone.

The fans all loved Hyeongjun, they collected clips of him crying and talked about how cute he was. It seemed like all Dongpyo saw about himself were comments that he didn’t deserve to be in X1, he had cheated somehow, he didn’t earn his spot, he wasn’t manly enough, he tried too hard.

It didn’t feel fair; Dongpyo was just as cute as Hyeongjun, just as talented. Dongpyo was the center, the one who had earned it, why did he get the same appreciation? He’d thought that coming onto Produce would be it, he would finally have people support him. Evidently he was wrong.

He just wanted to be loved, was that too much to ask?


	2. Normal Love and Support

The best and worst thing Seungwoo had ever done for X1 was set aside an hour every week where they all gathered in a circle and talked. Some weeks it was serious, and some or all of the members cried about the overwhelming nature of their work. On the other hand, some weeks it was just them laughing and messing around.

It was the best because Dongpyo could see how much it helped some of them and he could see how close they were all becoming thanks to it.

It was the only time where Wooseok had opened up about when he took a break from Up10tion for his mental health and talked about his therapist who he still saw every once in a while.

It was where Dohyon cried and explained how tired he was, that he wasn’t as ready to be an idol as he thought.

It was where Seungyoun had told them his whole history in the Kpop world, how his group had fallen apart, his solo music was forgotten by producers on their show, how it was hard to feel as though his work all those years bad been for nothing.

It was where Seungyoun and Wooseok had come out to all of them and told them they were dating. (Of course they had all known but it was still a reason to love their meeting.)

It was the first place Junho had cried in front of them when he was too stressed to keep it to himself.

It was where Minhee looked for comfort about his singing, where he asked them if he was actually good.

It was the only place Seungwoo had ever openly talked about the struggles he faced as leader and the pain his knees caused him.

It was where Dongpyo shared his worries about his dancing.

It was where Hyeongjun talked about how much he missed Mingyu.

It was the time where they truly got to know and support each other.

But today Dongpyo decided that their weekly meeting was the worst thing to ever happen to them.

Because it was where Hangyul and Eunsang talked about family. He’d known the topic of parents would come up at some point, but that doesn’t mean he was ready for it.

He wants to be able to blame the discomfort and nausea the topic brings on Hangyul, but seeing his hyung close to tears and hearing his story remind Dongpyo that the only one to blame is himself.

“It’s been on my mind a lot recently that everything good that happens to me is 100% thanks to my parents. I'm sure some of you know but my parents abandoned me when I was a baby and I lived in an orphanage until I was I was adopted.

“My family never treated me any different than they would a normal kid. They loved and supported me so much, when I went on The Unit and didn’t make it into UNB. When it didn’t look like I was going to rank high enough to get into X1. They never stopped supporting me or believing in me and-” Hangyul’s voice breaks and he reaches up to wipe away a tear, “I owe them so much and I just don’t know how I could ever repay them.”

Dongpyo’s thoughts distracted him from participating in the comforting and hugging going on two seats away from him.

_“My family never treated me any different than they would a normal kid. They loved and supported me so much” _

Normal child. Love. Support.

What was wrong with Dongpyo that he wasn’t normal enough to receive that same love and support?

“All you can do is prove to them that they believed in you for a reason. And you're doing that right now.” Dongpyo wonders if Seungwoo’s voice had always had the capacity to hurt him like this.

Eunsang’s voice was as emotional as Hangyul’s had been, “I know how you feel, kind of. My parents were really against me going into music at first but once I showed them how determined I was they changed their mind. Every time I call them they tell me how happy they are to see me doing so well. They really didn’t think that I could do it but I worked so hard and they saw that and started supporting me.

“And whenever they send me texts about how good I did or tell me that they showed all their friends our songs I just want to cry. Because I know how proud they are of me and that they're there for me. Even when they were so against it at first they loved me enough to change their mind.”

Halfway through Eunsang's speech Dongpyo checks out, he stops absorbing the meaning of the words and turns them all into white noise. It hurts and burns too much to hear it. He focused instead on his nails, looking down and picking at them.

Over the next twenty minutes all the remaining members seem to have something positive to say about their parents too, taking turns explaining how grateful they were for them until the room settles into contemplative silence. It would have been comfortable if Dongpyo wasn’t sitting stiff as a board ready to run and never come back to one of their meetings.

Of course it was Hyeongjun’s voice that broke the silence, “What about you Dongpyo? What do your parents think?”

He narrows his eyes at his band mate and hurriedly looks down at the ground, he can’t glare at him openly, it wouldn’t solve anything, “I don’t know.”

They don’t need to know that he’s lying and they don’t need to know what his parents really think of him, it would make them pity him or make them realize there was something wrong with him. But to say they support him would be to go too far. And it would hurt too much to admit the truth out loud. To say _‘Oh they hate me. They think I've done nothing but waste my time.’_

“Why don’t you know? How do you not know?” Maybe it was time for Dohyon to be on Dongpyo’s shit list too.

The DSP boy huffs, “We just don’t talk about it.”

“Dongpyo…” Seungwoo had broken out the leader voice, the dad voice. “Now that I'm thinking about it, I don’t think I've ever heard you talk about your parents or be on the phone with them.”

This was really not what he had wanted to do today. Dongpyo pulls his legs in closer to his chest and wraps his arms around them, struggling to look anywhere that wasn’t the members. “So what?”

“Do… do you not have parents?” the question came from Hangyul.

The horrible part of him wanted to yell _‘I’m not you of course I have parents_’ but he could never, it would cross the line. He holds back a bitter _‘I wish’_ and replies, “Of course I do, we just don’t talk. They're busy, I'm busy. Its hard to find time.”

“But you do have time,” Yohan interjects, “I see you in our room on the phone with friends or watching YouTube all the time.”

Dongpyo could feel tears threatening to come, and his voice raises, “It’s none of your business.”

“Hey! Don’t get snappy; we just want to know what’s going on? Do you not like your parents?” Wooseok, who was sitting next to him, places his hand on his knee. Dongpyo knows its supposed to be comforting but it does nothing to calm him.

“What? No, I love them,” he wishes it was a lie. He pulls his leg far away enough that Wooseok’s hand slides away.

“Okay then when was the last time you talked to them?” Seungyoun asked the question this time. Why were they all pushing so much?

Everyone’s eyes stayed trained on his small figure, “I don’t know,” a lie, he knew exactly when the last time he talked to them was, “Sometime before we started recording the show I think.”

Minhee and Hyeongjun gasp in unison but it was Hyeongjun who spoke, “But then you haven’t talked to them in months?”

Dongpyo’s voice rises without permission, “Not all of us are fucking codependent on our parents. Unlike some of you, I don’t need to beg them for attention on the phone every day.”

An offended sound comes from Hyeongjun, “Why are you so mean? At least I'm a good son and actually try to talk to them. I bet your parents are worried about why you-”

“Okay, that is more than enough!” Seungwoo interrupts the argument, “Dongpyo was right it’s none of our business as to why he hasn’t talked to his parents. If he doesn’t want to talk about them we can’t make him. But Dongpyo you can’t snap at members like that just because someone says something you don’t like. And maybe you should call your parents, I'm sure it would do you good.”

Why did Seungwoo have to pull the band dad card right now, “You're not my dad, you can't tell me what to do. If I want to say something I will and if I don’t want to call my parents I won’t.” the short boy stood and stomped away from the living room.

Regret sinks in as soon as he makes it to his room and closes the door behind him. He hated this. Why did he have to be such a drama queen? He should have just made up something about them, stolen pieces of everyone else’s story and painted a picture of parents just like theirs. Now he’s sure they know something is wrong between him and his parents. But hopefully they would at least drop it now that they’d seen his reaction.

He might not have it in him to apologize for snapping at Hyeongjun but the thought of not apologizing to Seungwoo made him nauseous. So he goes to search for the leader, passing what seemed to be most of the members sitting in the living room, huddled around the TV with Hotel de Luna playing. He considers going over, apologizing to them too but knows that an apology would just lead to them asking more questions about how he was and the thought of dealing with that was too exhausting.

He walks up to the closed door to Seungwoo’s room and knocks.

“Come in,” the leader’s voice is as gentle as ever.

He opens the door slowly and slides inside, closing the door behind him, “Hi hyung…”

“Hi Dongpyo.”

They stare at each other for a minute before Dongpyo looks away and hangs his head, “I’m sorry for earlier.”

“Come here…” Seungwoo stands and pulls Dongpyo into a warm hug, “It’s okay. I understand that you were just frustrated.”

“I shouldn’t have snapped at all of you like that.”

“No you shouldn’t have, but I should have stopped the conversation when I saw how uncomfortable you were talking about your family with everyone.” The pair separate and move to sit on the bed.

“Its just- its just that its no one’s business. Like my parents and I are fine, we don’t need to talk that often.”

“But you said you haven’t talked in months, that can't be healthy for your relationship with them.”

Dongpyo holds his tongue, the only response he could possibly think of giving was too honest, ‘_the only thing that would help the relationship would be to drop out of X1 and go back to normal schooling._’

After a minute of silence from the small boy Seungwoo pulls him into his side “Okay, I get it, I won’t bring it up again… If you ever want to talk about anything you know you can come to me right?”

Dongpyo turns his head until his face is buried in his hyung’s shoulder, voice muffled when he replies, “Yeah, I know.”

They stayed like that for a while, alternating between silence and small talk about the schedules they had coming up.

Dongpyo eventually yawns and curls up next to Seungwoo, closing his eyes.

“Nope, you slept here yesterday you can sleep in your room,” the older pushes Dongpyo’s shoulder so he’s sitting up.

Dongpyo lets out a loud whine, “It’s not even that late, I'm just going to take like a power nap.”

“I don’t believe you,” Seungwoo sing-songed as he stood and pulled Dongpyo to his feet.

“You're so mean to me,” he drew out the e sound as he let his leader push him towards the door.

Seungwoo pulled him in for another hug and when he spoke his voice was back to a serious tone like it had been earlier, “You really should call your parents, they have to be worried about you. And you're only a kid, you still have a responsibility to them.”

Dongpyo sighed, he didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore that night, “I’ll think about it hyung, good night.”

Seungwoo’s soft goodbye echoed down the hall as Dongpyo sped away.

A few minutes later found Dongpyo sitting on his bed, staring down at his mom’s contact on his phone. Maybe Seungwoo was right. Maybe he should call. Was him not calling him being a bad son? Was that the reason they hadn’t called? Were they waiting for him? Was it his responsibility?

For all he knows his parents have changed their mind about him being an idol. Eunsang’s parents changed their mind, why not his? And if they did change their mind then they might not have called because the regret what their attitude used to be. So if he calls it might be a good thing.

Before he can give it any more thought he rushes to the bathroom, where he won’t be bothering anyone and where his roommate can’t overhear him. He locks the door behind him and takes a deep breath. He can do this.

He presses the call button and holds his breath as he raises the phone to his ear. What if she doesn’t answer? He shouldn’t have called; it’s late, she’s probably asleep. But it’s already too late, there's nothing he can do. He shouldn’t have-

His rushing thoughts are interrupted by the voice he hadn’t heard for months, “Mrs. Son speaking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where the real plot starts, for the first few chapters it’s going to be focused mainly on Dongpyo but as the fic progresses there's going to be more and more of Hyeongjun so if you're here for him, don’t worry, he’s coming. 
> 
> This fic is also currently looking like it’s going to be around 20 or so chapters and I hope to upload maybe once every week or two but it will depend on how busy I am, because I am a college student with responsibilities (0/10 do not recommend)
> 
> ALSO: Is there anything you would absolutely want me to add trigger warnings for? Safe reading is good reading and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable even by accident.
> 
> Let me know what you thought of the chapter and how you think the phone call is going to go!!


	3. Something That Feels Like Regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes, I've been pretty busy this week and i don't have a beta or anyone who proofreads for me so I know I probably miss things 
> 
> chapter title from Killing Me by Ikon  
TW: agressive unsupportive parents

“Hello? Is anyone there?”

Dongpyo swallows past the lump in his throat, “Hi mom, it’s me. Dongpyo.”

There’s silence. This was a bad idea. He’d known it.

For a second he thinks she’s hung up before her voice finally sounds again, “And here I thought you’d forgotten about your parents.”

A small glimmer of hope grows in his chest, that doesn’t sound bad, it meant she’d thought about him right? “I’m sorry I haven’t called. I've been really busy with promotions.”

“Yeah… your band is everywhere.” He can’t figure out how to read her tone but he thinks it’s the most positive he's heard it in years. Or maybe it was just the first time he’d heard it in months and he was just kidding himself.

“How-“ he takes a shaky breathe, “how are you and dad?”

She lets out a long, loud sigh directly into the phone, “Not too good really.”

A dozen scenarios flitted through his mind at these words, had something bad happened? Were one of them sick? Did they miss him? No, it couldn’t be that one. Did one of them lose their job? Had something happened to one of his aunts or uncles?

“Why? What happened?”

“You and your stupid show happened.”

The small flame of hope in his chest extinguished. He’d been right these past months not to call.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, to start off I see some horrible things about you on the internet all the time.”

Did she care about him? Why would that upset her?

“Yeah… there’s some not nice things that I've seen too. What did you see exactly?”

“That you cheated to just get onto the show and then cheated again to get into the group.”

“I hate it so much,” he's staring to tear up, “I’ve never cheated at anything ever and these people don’t even know me and they’re saying these things-”

She cut him off, she wasn’t even listening to him, “The worst part is that people believe it! They believe that you're a cheater so you might as well be. When they believe something about you that means they believe it about your father and I too. Because whether or not we want to admit it you came from us.

“Do you have any idea how ashamed we are every time we see these things? Why couldn’t you just go to high school like a normal child? Why did you have to be so disappointing? At this point I wish I had never had you, you’ve brought nothing but bad luck into our home since the day you could walk.”

He was numb. He felt the impact of each word but couldn’t feel the pain from their meaning, not yet. “I… I didn’t realize this would affect you so much. I’m so sorry mom,” was all he could bring himself to say. He had, on some level, known that this was how his mom thought of him but it mattered so much more to hear it said so plainly.

“Apologize to me when you have a real job or prove to me that you weren’t a mistake.”

“But this is a real job, I'm even making money an-”

His mother lets out a shrill laugh, “You’re not making anything yet, do you know how much it costs to raise you? You better not spend a penny of the money you earn until you’ve paid me and your father back for all the years we had to raise.”

His voice was small, “Okay.” They’d never been shy to talk about money around him, remind him that every time he did anything it cost them money. Reminding him that, above everything else, he was a financial burden too.

“People at work ask about you and do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for me? For your father? For people to show us pictures of you in those stupid outfits, dancing around like some kind of monkey? Wearing more makeup than all your aunts and I combined ever have. And we can't even pretend you're not our son since you look too much like us. It was better when you really were nobody instead of now where people don’t realize what you are and think there's some kind of substance there.”

He feels his hands start shaking, loosening the grip he has on the phone. He should hang up, he can't keep listening to this. But his arms don’t listen and never move, leaving him with her voice in his ear and her words clawing away at his heart tearing to into smaller and smaller pieces.

“Did you know that your cousin ranked second in her entire school? You never ranked that high because you were always so focused on your stupid dancing. And now I have nothing to respond with, your aunt can always hold it above my head that her kids are better than mine. I can't brag about someone as pathetic as you, you only ever got to the 11th spot and now you’ve even dropped out of school. You’ve ruined your life and ours. Your father and I will never be able to retire because of you, well have to work forever because you’ll never be able to support us with that so called job of yours.”

He should have known that she didn’t want to talk to him; his number wasn’t even saved into her phone. She’d introduced herself as Mrs. Son when she answered. She thought about him so little that the only thinking about him she’d done was about all the reasons he was a disappointment.

A tear slides down his cheek and he holds back a sob, “I’ll try my best, I promise I won’t be bad. I’ll make you proud.”

“Too bad I don’t believe you, your best won’t be good enough.” There's a click after these last words.

“Mom!” he was met with only silence, she’d hung up.

He stares at the tiled wall in front of him, unable to comprehend what he had just been told. She must have wanted to say those things to him for a long time; the words had fallen from her lips so quickly, so readily.

He tries to take deep breaths only for them to turn into small sobs, why had he called her? Seungwoo was wrong before; there was no good reason to call them, ever again. Calling them just reminds him that he’s nothing to them…

His hands find their way into his hair, tugging on the ends. If his parents thought he was so horrible then everyone must think it too. Your parents are the ones who should love you unconditionally, love you the most. What does it say about you if they don’t love you at all? Are you really worth anything at all at that point?

He stays there, on the cold bathroom floor, for a few minutes, letting himself cry, doing his best to muffle the sounds tears. After he calms himself, or runs out of tears, he’s not sure, exhaustion sets in. This was a horrible night and all he wants to do is go sleep and never think about it again.

Dongpyo stands and goes to the sink to splash water on his face and calm the heat and dryness around his eyes from the tears. He keeps his gaze down, trying to avoid his reflection, he knows that his face is probably splotchy and puffy and his eyes red with irritation. He doesn’t need another reason to

He passes Hyeongjun in the hall, his phone is out and Dongpyo can’t stop himself from rolling his eyes. He’s pretty sure that Hyeongjun had already called his parents earlier that day, did he really need to talk tot hem again.

Hyeongjun’s hand finds it’s way onto Dongpyo’s shoulder, stopping him as he tries to pass him, “Are you okay? You seemed upset earlier and you look like a mess right now.”

Dongpyo huffs in annoyance and shrugs the hand off. As if Hyeongjun really cares about him, even if he did care he should be able to see that Dongpyo really wasn’t in the mood to talk, “If I looked upset earlier it was because you said that I was a bad son and if I look like a mess right now its because its late and I'm tired. Now move.”

The starship boy blocks his way, “I didn’t mean to call you a bad son but you like implied that the fact I talk to my parents everyday is a bad thing! That was mean.”

“Well, it was mean of all of you to gang up on me like that! I obviously didn’t want to talk about it and guess what? Its none of your business anyway.”

Hyeongjun rolls his eyes, “Why are you so difficult? Stop playing the victim. Is it really so horrible that people were worried?”

“You weren’t worried, you were just judgmental. Leave. Me. Alone.” The smaller boy pushes the other out of his way and storms down the remainder of the hall until he reaches his shared room.

Dongpyo slams the door behind him and looks up to see Yohan standing less than three feet away from him. He’d probably heard everything from the hall. Dongpyo sighs, “Hi hyung.”

Yohan flashes a tense smile, “ Hi Pyo…”

The younger avoids looking at his hyung and moves to get ready for bed. All his crying dried his skin out too much, he would probably have dry patches and breakouts in the morning if he didn’t put on his half a dozen serums and moisturizers.

Yohan walks up behind him and runs his fingers though Dongpyo’s hair. Dongpyo lets himself lean into the comforting feeling of the other playing with his hair for a minute. Before he’d been on Produce he’d never had anyone comfort him the way the members did. The thought that he doesn’t deserve the affection everyone gives him always lingers in the back of his mind but it’s easy to ignore it. Well, it’s easy to ignore when his mother’s words weren’t echoing in his mind reminding him he wasn’t good enough. He pulls away from the older and flashes a weak smile.

Yohan’s voice breaks their silence, “You shouldn’t pick fights like that with him.”

“I don’t want to talk about this please,” he moves and climbs into his bed.

He can sense that the older wants nothing more than to keep talking, he can feel the weight of the dozens of questions in Yohan’s gaze but thankfully the older just sighs, turns off the lights, and climbs into his own bed.

“Good night Dongpyo.” Is the last thing the small boy remembers before the exhaustion of a long emotional night takes over and he falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do we think of Dongpyo's mom? And what do you think/want to happen next? Do we want to meet his dad? Do we think the members should force him to talk to them? Does someone need to get mad that he and Hyeongjun get into arguments all the time? 
> 
> (Did anyone catch the Mrs. Son at the end of the last chapter?? I was trying to hint that the phone call wouldn't go too well.)
> 
> Also if you leave comments I try my best to reply to all of them so let me know what you think!!
> 
> And the next chapter might just be Hyeongjun's perspective just FYI.
> 
> Follow me on twitter @stray__skz_ or on tumblr @stray-skz  
i'm on tumblr a lot more and literally just made the twitter 
> 
> UPDATE: i think the next update will be in two weeks instead of the usual one because woojin just left stray kids and i am so so sad, i write more for X1 but Stray Kids are my ult :(((((( i also have a lot of work this week so with those combined i don’t think will get around to writing i hope you understand the delay


	4. Just Let It Pass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whats up!!! I'm back with another chapter but I haven't really had very much time to write, so it might not be as good as my previous ones.
> 
> Chapter Title from So Sick by A.C.E. (its a sad bop 10/10 go listen to it)
> 
> Chapter dedicated to iroa for her very sweet messages on twitter <3
> 
> CHAPTER STARTS FROM HYEONGJUN'S PERSPECTIVE AT THE END OF THEIR BAND MEETING

“That didn’t really go very well,” Wooseok said after the sound of Dongpyo’s door closing echoed throughout the dorm.

Their leader sighs and stands, “Okay, why don’t we stop here tonight. I think we’re all pretty tired of talking about feelings now.”

There’s general sounds of agreement and everyone starts to stand and walk away, most of them heading to the living room where they were going to watch the most recent episode of their drama (as was the tradition at this point).

Even as he sat, an hour after their meeting had ended, head resting on Minhee’s shoulder with Dohyon all but lying on top of him, Hyeongjun couldn’t stop thinking about Dongpyo.

All Hyeongjun had wanted to do was try and get to know Dongpyo better. But all he’s gotten in response was the DSP boy being rude to everyone and mean to him.

He’d known from the start that Dongpyo wasn’t someone you would want to mess with. His cute smile and small stature just hid his cunning personality. He was the kind of person who seemed like he would do anything and everything to get what he wanted. He flirted shamelessly with Lee Dongwook. He smiled at every camera on set. But above all he worked harder than anyone, and spent every second thinking about how he could be better, effort that never failed to pay off for the small trainee.

Hyeongjun always wants to think that he's a good person. He tries his best to never forget anyone, and to think the best of everyone. He likes smiling and making other people smile. His parents had raised him to be a positive person, someone who cared about others and put others first. Someone who was understanding, and patient and empathetic.

But recently, Dongpyo was making it really hard for him to feel like the person his parents had raised.

Maybe it was his tendency to cling to the entire hyung line even more than their maknae did. Maybe it was the way that Dongpyo would plaster on a fake smile whenever the cameras were on, even when everyone knew he was exhausted. Maybe it was the deceiving openness Dongpyo had. It seemed as if he was an open book, always ready to tell you he wasn’t sure about how a concept fit him or if he was doing a move right for the choreography. But when it came to anything deeper, anything real, he sat and listened to everyone else without sharing even a fraction of who he really was. And Hyeongjun is a good friend, he knows he is, and its so frustrating that he can’t be that to someone who’s so closed off they obviously need to let themselves have someone be there for them. They have to spend the next 5 years together, was he planning on spending that whole time avoiding opening up to them?

Maybe what truly bothers him about Dongpyo is the fact that he singles Hyeongjun out in every conversation as the bad guy. He finds the smallest hole in his sentence and throws it back at him. So naturally, after a few frustrating weeks of just accepting it, he’d started throwing it back too because he’s not a saint and he can only handle so much without reacting. And they play catch with harsh words that neither of them seem to be able to control.

The thing that gets to him the most is the way Dongpyo reacts every time he sees him on the phone; the poorly hidden glares, and not at all hidden eye rolls, grate on Hyeongjun’s nerves. Sure, he understands that maybe if Dongpyo wasn’t as close with his parents, the amount of time Hyeongjun spent talking to them might seem excessive. But it didn’t give him the right to react so openly negatively.

Before he knows it, the episode they were watching is over and everyone is stretching and leaving the living room with soft goodbyes and lingering goodnights.

“Are you gonna come?” Junho is standing next to him, waiting for him to join and head to their room.

“I think I'm going to call my mom really quickly actually,” he smiles at the tall boy.

“Get off me then.” Minhee pretends to be annoyed, as he stands to join their roommate, “See you when you come to the room I guess. Don’t talk with them for too long again.”

“Ahhhh, leave me alone,” he drags out every syllable as his roommates leave the room.

He goes to his usual hallway to talk to his mom, where he knows he won’t be bothering any of the hyungs (who are way too stressed as it is they don’t need their relaxation time interrupted by him). As he walks through the dorm he pauses by the bathroom door, is there someone in there? There’s heavy breathing and sniffling, Hyeongjun leans closer, trying to figure out what he’s really hearing.

His question is answered when Dongpyo’s unmistakable voice sounds, “I’ll try my best, I promise I won’t be bad. I’ll make you proud.”

Hyeongjun’s face falls and his eyebrows come together, his band mate sounds close to tears. And not the tears that he lets out when the cameras are on, but truly upset tears. Who was he talking to? Who did he want to make proud?

Hyeongjun is torn from his guessing when Dongpyo’s voice comes through the door, louder than before “Mom!”

Dongpyo was talking to his mom? If he was telling the truth during their meeting then that was the first time in months that he’d spoken to her. And if the desperate calling of her name and the obvious sounds of crying were any indication the phone call must not have gone well.

He rushed towards the door and reaches out to knock but stops himself, he shouldn’t. Dongpyo probably wouldn’t want to see him when he was upset, would he? And if he wasn’t running to Seungwoo’s room that must mean he wanted to be alone. So maybe Hyeongjun shouldn’t interrupt him?

He steps away from the door and chews on his lip as he tries to decide what he should do. If it was literally any other member, he would knock and even if they didn’t want to see him, barge in, ready to hug and listen to the other cry. But his relationship with Dongpyo wasn’t like that, they’d hardly ever spoken when the cameras were off and all those conversations had been tense and closer to arguments than anything else.

But he can't just leave, he can’t walk away from someone who might need him. He decides to wait in the hall, Dongpyo will have to leave eventually and Hyeongjun can try to talk to him when he does. That way he’s not interrupting or crossing any of their unspoken lines but he can still feel like he was doing something.

He waits, playing on his phone, until the DSP boy opens the door. His hair is a mess, ends flying in different directions, as if he’d been pulling it. His cheeks are bright red and his eyes irritated. The visual pulls at Hyeongjun’s heart strings, what could his mom have said that made him look this upset? The empathy is extinguished the second Dongpyo realizes it’s Hyeongjun in the hallway and rolls his eyes. It takes everything in Hyeongjun not to do the same, of course Dongpyo needed to be rude.

Hyeongjun reaches out to stop Dongpyo from just walking away, just because he's annoyed at him doesn’t mean he can let him be upset alone, right? “Are you okay? You seemed upset earlier and you look like a mess right now.” He doesn’t mention what he’d overheard.

He realizes that, maybe, he could have phrased that differently when Dongpyo huffs and pushes his hand away, “If I looked upset earlier it was because you said that I was a bad son and if I look like a mess right now its because its late and I'm tired. Now move.”

In his effort to fix things, all he’d done was make it worse, but he can’t just let it go, they need to be able to talk to each other and he needed to be sure he could explain his actions. “I didn’t mean to call you a bad son but you like implied that the fact I talk to my parents everyday is a bad thing! That was mean.” Does Dongpyo really not know that he was just as much of the problem as he was? They had both said things that could be taken the wrong way.

“Well, it was mean of all of you to gang up on me like that! I obviously didn’t want to talk about it and guess what? Its none of your business anyway.”

Hyeongjun rolls his eyes, he was so defensive all the time, it wasn’t like they were trying to attack him. They just wanted to get to know him better, to know a single actual fact about him. Why did he get to judge Hyeongjun and his family when he can’t even say a single word about his own. “Why are you so difficult? Stop playing the victim. Is it really so horrible that people were worried?”

“You weren’t worried, you were just judgmental. Leave. Me. Alone.” Hyeongjun let’s himself be pushed to the side and watches the other run into his room, frustration and anger boiling in his chest.

He stands there for a few minutes before he makes his way back to his room, guilt mixing with his anger and his previous plan of calling his mom forgotten. Dongpyo was obviously upset and their conversation wasn’t exactly positive, maybe he shouldn’t have tried to talk to him.

But the negativity was Dongpyo’s own fault anyway; he was the one who kept finding problems with everything Hyeongjun said. Maybe he shouldn’t feel bad. After all, it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to comfort him right? He had asked what was wrong.

It wasn’t until Minhee spoke that Hyeongjun realized he’d been standing in their doorway for over a minute, “Are you okay? I thought you were going to talk to your mom?”

Hyeongjun sighs, effectively ignoring the question, and joins his roommate on the bed closet to the door, “Why does Dongpyo only get angry when I talk? All I did was ask him a question, trying to be nice and involve him in the conversation, and he throws it back in my face like that.”

Junho and Minhee share a look, “But he’s not just angry at you right now, he seemed upset at the whole topic.”

Hyeongjun sighed, leaning back against the headboard; “He doesn’t have to like… insult me like he did though. Because he didn’t target anyone else for what they were saying about their parents, only me.”

Junho turned towards him, “I mean… if he has a bad relationship with his family, then maybe he gets jealous of hearing you talk about yours?”

All the pent up feelings Hyeongjun had tried desperately to pretend he didn’t have were coming out, “I don’t care! It’s still mean. Like the other day I was just talking to my mom like I usually do, and he came out of his room just to snap at me. He didn’t even ask me to be quiet or move to somewhere else he just glared at me and was mean. Every time I try to get to know him I feel like he just ignores me or glares at me!”

“Maybe you should try talking to him about it or leave him alone? Or you could talk to Seungwoo or Wooseok and ask them what they think you should do?” Minhee patted Hyeongjun’s shoulder awkwardly.

“Yeah, I guess.” Hyeongjun doesn’t mention the encounter in the hallway earlier. He doesn’t know what to make of it anymore.

Part of him knows that someone who Dongpyo might actually talk to should know that something was wrong with him. But the other part doesn’t think it’s right for him to get involved, if someone told Dongpyo that Hyeongjun had told them he heard him crying he would probably yell at him to say out of his business or say he was lying.

Why did it have to be so difficult to deal with Dongpyo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of Hyeongjun's perspective?? Did he do the right think by not knocking? Should he have told Dongpyo he'd heard him on the phone? Should he have gone to tell one of the hyung line that Dongpyo was upset?
> 
> Also thank you to everyone who leaves comments and kudos they really make my day!!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: stray-skz.tumblr.com and on twitter: @stray__skz_ if you want to talk!


	5. Obligation

** _Dad_ **

_The phone call with your mother upset her. _

_Do not call again until you have decided to stop this ridiculous music career._

_We have seen the news articles recently and are more ashamed than ever._

Dongpyo stared at the same messages from his dad he’d reread what must have been a hundred times. It had been a week since he’d spoken to his mom and six days since he had woken up to the messages.

He’d thought for hours about both. The only point in the last message was tell him, let him know, that he was simply continuing to disappoint them. He still wasn’t good enough.

He wants to fix things but he can’t do what they want him to, he won’t. Music was the only thing he had ever wanted to do, it was the only thing he could think of that made him happy. Music was constant, music was always waiting, always there, it never lost it’s temper. And being in X1 meant that he had a built in support system, something he’s not sure he’s ever had before.

There was a constant sense of comfort that he both reveled in and didn’t understand. It was new and different but comforting, it was something he found himself seeking out day in and day out. But it unsettled him just as much as it comforted him, so he could only let it go so far, he wasn’t sure how to approach it.

The physical comfort was the best, he couldn’t get enough of it. The feeling of Yohan’s hand running through his hair, Seungwoo’s arms wrapping him in a hug, Eunsang resting his head on his shoulder, Dohyon pinching his cheeks. It filled parts of himself that he dint even know were empty.

But it was times like this, when he was emotional that were the problem. Sure, he’d gone to them when he was worried about performance things or gotten into arguments, but this was different. Performance might affect them, if he was as bad at a part as he thought he was it would make all of them look bad, so he _had _to bring it up.

But this was a completely different beast, how do you tell people that you're the biggest walking disappointment that ever existed? How do you tell someone that your parents hate you and everything you do? How do you tell someone that you can’t stop thinking about how you're not worth anyone’s time? That you're not good enough? Not enough in general?

He remembers a quote that said, “Parents were the only ones obligated to love you; from the rest of the world you had to earn it.” The people who’d raised him, who should have loved him the most, thought he was a disappointment and looked at him with only discontent. Their dislike of him beat out the obligation to love him. What is that supposed to mean for the rest of the world?

How could he expect the members to love him when he didn’t feel like he’d earned it? He’d done nothing to make them love him, like his mom said, he was annoying and rude. The other day at the meeting he’d essentially yelled at everyone, that wasn’t very lovable. Was there anything about him to love at all beyond the façade he showed the world? He was clingy and always asking questions, there’s no way around it.

Sometimes he thinks about what Seungwoo told him on the show when he said don’t always show people your bright side. It’s nice to think that way, let yourself be vulnerable and people will learn to love the new sides of you too.

Except Dongpyo knows that no one would want the truth.

If he didn’t put on the show and instead let everyone know who he really was, it would end the same way his relationship with his parents was ending. Disappointment and anger he would never get to

As he laid in bed, unable to sleep he wondered why he couldn’t just tell the others why he was so upset? They never judged Hangyul before when he told them he was abandoned by his real parents. They just hugged him and comforted him and wired away his tears. If Dongpyo told them about his parents they would probably support him right? Tell him they were wrong, they had no right to say those things to him, he was impressive and strong and capable and he’d done so much he should be proud of.

Except he doesn’t deserve to hear that, they would be wrong.

But he thinks that if he did tell them and they said those things to him, they would feel like lies.

~~~

“I think there’s something seriously wrong with Dongpyo.” Yohan announces as he walks into the leader’s room, being met with the surprised eyes of the rest of the hyung line, “Ever since we talked about parents our last meeting, he’s been off. And then that night I heard him arguing in the hallway with Hyeongjun and when he came into the room he looked like he’d been crying.”

The leader sat up, “What? He seemed upset earlier but when he left my room he was fine because we talked.”

Yohan sits next to him, “I don’t know man, he wasn’t in our room when I went in and after like 30 minutes of waiting for him, I was going to try and see if I could find him.

“And then I hear Hyeongjun in the hall and then I hear Dongpyo. And they start arguing. I think that Hyeongjun meant well but I don’t think he should have said anything because it just made Dongpyo angry. And when he came into our room… god he looked so upset. His face was so red and his eyes were all puffy so wherever he was, he must have been crying. And his hair was a mess like he’d been tugging on it.”

Seungyoun sighs, “Maybe it was because of his argument with Hyeongjun? What were they arguing about this time?”

“I think it was still about his parents because the argument sounded like it started because Hyeongjun said he looked like a mess and Dongpyo circled it back around to what happened at our meeting.”

Wooseok speaks next, shaking his head, “I can't stop thinking that its weird he's so distant with his parents, but its even weirder that he’s never told us anything about them. Why not, does he not trust us?”

Seungwoo sighed, why couldn’t things be simpler, “That’s what I've been asking myself too. But more than that I think the issue we need to focus on is the tension between him and Hyeongjun. It’s affecting not just him but all of us. I mean everyone is walking on eggshells around them whenever they’re in the same room together. They can’t even look at each other without Dongpyo looking like he wants to murder him!”

Wooseok speaks up next, “Sometimes I can't help but get frustrated at him. He’s always looking for comfort but never tells us what’s wrong. He’s always trying to pick fights with Hyeongjun and this whole past week he’s been so dismissive, and he’s flinched away from all of us when we try and hug him, he even pushed Dohyon away from him. Pushed!”

“Yeah…” Seungyoun sighed, “I think you’re right Seungwoo, we should focus on Hyeongjun and Dongpyo’s relationship, try to talk to Pyo about why he’s acting like this. It’s unfair to the rest of us.”

“Do you think we should do it at the group meeting or just with him alone?” Hangyul’s question was directed at their leader.

The whole room turned to look at Seungwoo who leaned his head back against the wall and took a few deep breaths before answering, “Give me some time to think about it, I want to make sure we can really get across to him that he needs to stop picking these fights. But I also don’t want him to just get angry at us about it. Maybe I’ll just try telling him myself, act like this conversation never happened? I don’t want him to feel like we’re all ganging up on him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!! I'm alive!!!
> 
> Sorry for how long this update took but I'm a pretty busy person most of the time and I don't get very much time to write recently.
> 
> What are your thoughts on this chapter? 
> 
> Do you think Dongpyo is gong to tell them about his family situation? Is Seungwoo going to confront him about Hyeongjun? Is Seungwoo making a mistake to focus only on Donypyo's relationship with Hyeongjun? Is there going to be another fight between our two babies? Will Dongpyo's parents make an in person appearance?
> 
> I already know the answers to this question but I'm so curious to see what you guys think will happen!


	6. Author's Note

Hey guys!

I've gotten a few comments asking if I was planning on continuing to write this fic and I'm sorry to say that for now the answer is no. I love this fic and I thought about this decision a lot because I put a lot of thought into this fic and had this whole long plot planned out so I didn't want to leave it. But I find it so hard to find motivation and inspiration to keep writing after the disbandment. I hope that there is someday an X1 reboot or something similar and if there was I would likely come back to this fic and continue, but as of now, I have no plans on continuing.

Thank you guys for reading, your comments always made me really happy!!

Let's all continue to support the individual X1 members <3


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